Mental secrets

I’ve been dealing with panic/anxiety disorder and depression for about 10 years now. No, I am not depressed throughout the whole time, and I am most definitely not sweating my ass off over the everyday bullshit in my life. In fact, I live a perfectly satisfying, independent life in one of the most exciting cities in the world, I stand behind my professional and personal choices, enjoy great social life and despite being a pretty feminine and attention-drawing female – I take good care of my balls.

However, every once in a while, I collapse into the greasy hands of despair and no rational reasoning nor pills or spirituality can  pull me out of there. I just have to wait, scared to death, for my misery to finish with fingers crossed I won’t die in the meanwhile (because I’m that scared – see the word-game there ;))

Now, here is a little secret. I go for a run every other day. I run about 3-4 kilometers, on a good day – 5. It takes me a kilometer to warm up properly. One might say – an average jogger. So,  once I’ve warmed up – I climax. I simply do. I don’t know why. It happens to other women as well.  It is not sexual. I am not sexually aroused; have no sexual thoughts or desires in that particular moment. I just climax. My breathing gets faster and heavier,  I get a heavy feeling in the lower part of my belly, I feel like running faster, I do… and I climax. I then have to slow down. Sometimes I have to stop. On rare occasions I have to sit down so that I don’t faint. Most of the times, however, no one would understand. I’d just run right through my orgasm, wait for the rush to pass by and keep running amongst the by-passers. That is one of the reasons I don’t do tandem running, running groups or marathons.  I don’t want to be judged, mocked, laughed  at and therefore – isolated for not being normal.

So, same thing happens when I’m having a panic attack. A panic attack, for those of you ignorant and blessed – is a disorder, which causes a sudden adrenalin rush, triggered by the, otherwise, in other circumstances, normal fight-or-flight response. In a matter of  milliseconds your blood pressure  catapults, your heart starts racing like mad, your thoughts get all mixed up and dramatically sink into the negative spectrum; you get the feeling that both your head and your heart will explode and you’ll vanish forever but before that you’ll make a fool of yourself, splash everyone with your own blood, hence die in pain and shame or .. simply lose you mind for eternity. Fun. It can last from 5 minutes to a good half an hour. Once the peak passes you’re left shaking, exhausted and slightly disoriented, and you lose all will to live. So, as I said, I’ve learned to run through my panic attacks – I panic alright – I just don’t let people know.  I don’t want to be judged, mocked, laughed  at and therefore – isolated for not being normal.

What I’m trying to say with this self revealing piece of … text, is as follows:

Be nice to the people you communicate with – you have no idea what is it that they are trying to hide.

If you’re nice enough – they might decide to share what they’re hiding – hence you might benefit. Or even better – you might help someone by simply being NORMAL AND NICE!


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