Social (dis)functions*

A friend of mine once told me that you can always tell Bulgarian couples from other couples at (international) social functions. ‘Bulgarian couples, he said,  always stick together, demonstrating their love and devotion in a rather unnecessary manner’. I’d add – and are proudly sharing embarrassing details from their sexual and health lives (e.g. “George had super painful hemorrhoids last year (she might even show you a couple of photos here) but we managed to get them under control with my mother’s top secret recipe – pork fat and special herbs  from which-ever-mountain“).

Yes. You can easily spot Bulgarian couples in an international setting. You might not know how to relate, yet respond, but you really shouldn’t know.  Therefore, you’d just nod and smile. Here they’d conclude you’re stupid. Normal misunderstanding in simple social interactions.

Having said that, here’s an useful tip for social functions: don’t smile! Smiling leads to wrong conclusions, as shown in the above exemplary situation. Smiling is for morons. If you want to show some self respect,  you’d be bitter. Show some God damn toughness!!!

Oh, and you’d whine.

Whining is crucial. Whining is what keeps the nation together. Whining is the spine of the Bulgarian culture of communication. It  displays all the heavy shit one has experienced and yet still manages to stay under-control  in the face of life-threatening danger … such as socialising. The more  one whines – the more experience is being demonstrated.

And a lesson for those more advanced – should you find yourself liking someone – you should most definitely and with no doubt upgrade to being rude! Mock the hell out of the poor motherfucker till he/she gets the hint. Humiliation is the key! Should the person in question survives your attack… several times – that’d be a proof of high character quality hence this would be someone worth being in a couple with. It’s also kind of keeping the child in  you alive: think of a five year old boy trying to cope with the first sparkles of attraction.

Now, once the object is being seduced and encoupled, you can now proudly take your trophy out – to show off your inexplicable love-worthiness and share with the world your tough luck with hemorrhoids.

*Caution! The text contains sarcasm. Those of low tolerance – please skip! 


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